I hate you. Seriously, I really hate you. Please don't misunderstand me, I. FUCKING. HATE. YOU! I hate so much about you. It's why your ring tone is
Kelis' I Hate You So Much Right Now.

I hate the way you turn yourself off for no reason. I hate the fact you tell me I have a message when I don't, and then refuse to remove that silly icon at the top. I hate that your touch-screen is unreadable on even a partially sunny day. Partially! For fuck sake!

I hate the fact I can't change the picture on your screen anymore. I hate you for cutting off my calls for no reason. I hate you for ringing other people in the middle of my conversations. I hate that your stupid little pencily thing falls out easily and is impossible to buy anywhere other than on eBay. I hate that I can't change you until April. I hate the fact your menu is only intuitive to
Stephen Hawking. I hate that you've stopped telling me when texts arrive.

I hate that sometimes, when it suits you, you selfish bastard, you can't be bothered to ring and so calls go straight to the answerphone. And then I think, is that a message or are you lying again? I hate that you're not compatible with Apples. And let me tell you something, you're not a real computer. You're not even a real phone. In fact, you PISS ME OFF, IN SO, SO MANY WAYS, YOU BASTARD.


Katie Chatfield said...

I hate that I can't find your email address and have to put this in you comments. You've been tagged to tell us all 5 things about yourself... check out mine here

Marcus Brown said...

I tagged you too.

Gavin Heaton said...

I was gonna tag you but was too scared -- but thought it would be funny anyway. So, so glad that Katie and Marcus got to you (so to speak).

BTW Angryman, "you're not even a real phone" is a line of pure genius. Love your work.

AngryMan said...

Cheers Katie, Marcus and Gavin. It will be my pleasure to include 5 things you don't know about me.

And Gavin, just between me and you, I'll throw in a 6th. I'm not scary at all. Not unless you PISS ME OFF YOU BASTARD

Anonymous said...

SPV - what a fucking liberty!!

Iain said...

My flatmate hates the fact that his broke a couple of days after he got it and he's still paying a monthly thing for it now cos the insurance compnay wouldn't pay out. i'd send you the pen thing, but he lost that before the phone even broke.

Gavin Heaton said...

I would wear it as a badge of honour to have PISSED YOU OFF ... and proud to be called a BASTARD ;)

Keep the invective coming!

Orange Dealer said...

Im loving this whole page dedicated to the pile of crap that is SPV. Im an authorised dealer of Orange and I own an SPV M600. Totally shit peace of phone that doesnt even deserve to exist. I love this page and your complete originality.

Hold it up!

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