Tuesday

an email from a reader

Got sent this from one of you, thanks Jon I wholeheartedly agree with this behaviour.
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello."
I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window. .. so, I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole."
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"Don Hansen.."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with a black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Now, Im pretty convinced this is not a true story, even though I want it to be. I really want it to be. So now, I'm left wondering, what sort of person are you Jon? What sort of person makes up stories and passes them off as their own life experiences? Well, obviously the sort of person WHO PISSES ME OFF, YOU BASTARD

30 comments:

Gavin Heaton said...

You know what, I am happy for this to be a lie -- but it is a damn fine one! And it made me smile right when I need it.

Anonymous said...

So, what kind of person passes off other people's lives as their own experiences? A lime sucking Northern scumbag, who spends a goodly portion of his day, chortling at other people's bilious miffedisms. But then what else is one to do? There's precious little lead on the rooves in this locale, four freshly made antique tables is enough industry for any given month, the tart is still showing bruising, and Giro day comes but once a fortnight. Is one merely to sit back and train for the World Thumb Twiddling Championships? No; time is the master(well, time, and whoever's working one's case), and one owes it to oneself to invest time wisely. I don't care who you are, no one can masturbate for more than ten hours a day. So, once a sniper rifle is polished and zeroed, one has to use one's initiative to fill one's residual quality leisure time as productively as possible. 'Don't be a waster; never hit the crack pipe before noon,' that's my motto. Anyway, Angryman, must dash, Jerry Springer's just come on the wide screen and skag won't step on itself you know. Maybe it's time for not another coffee. Kisses, Mister Fister.

Anonymous said...

This made me laugh so much I really don't care if its not true.

Vigilante said...

I know this is true, because it has that ring to it.

Anonymous said...

That made me lol.

Febrifuge said...

I've seen this elsewhere on the Internets, sadly, posted as a 'joke of the day.' Still, quite funny, and definitely in the spirit of things.

Your blog is far superior, though, as it's pure and true.

I do have a question about how England's laws work; here in the USA I'm sure any number of dentists or optometrists would surely have sued you for defamation by now. (They would be wrong but that would not stop them.) If I want to exercise my anger and creativity properly, I'm going to have to move over there, aren't I?

Anonymous said...

my friends have a similar story, a friend was txt by a new number asking "why'd you call me?" my friend ignored it as he had never called the number. This strange number then called and abused my friend.

we then all took down his number as "the arsehole" and routinely call him.

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